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NerdLove One of the ongoing complaints I see amongst my readers and in society in general is sex. Over generations, society has placed barrier after barrier between women and their own sexuality. In fact, until relatively recently, female sexuality was an oxymoron. We let confirmation bias control much of what we believe, even down to our science.
Much of our belief about human sexuality — the importance and universality of monogamy, for example — stem from the Flintsonization of primitive cultures. Darwin was a notorious prude and this directly influenced his interpretations of evolution, as well as the interpretations of those who came after him.
We ascribe modern morality and concepts to our paleolithic ancestors because we believe that it was always thus. This is never more evident than in evolutionary psychology. It follows, then, that men are naturally not inclined to monogamy because their lizard-brains tell them that they need to spread their cheap sperm far and wide to better maximize their potential for offspring. Not only are women not less sexually inclined than men, but neither are they naturally monogamous.
Humans in particular are built for multiple partners ; male genitalia and sexual response are designed to flush out the sperm of other males. But because we believe this, we overlook evidence to the contrary. In his book What Do Women Want? Daniel Bergner interviews scientists who study sexual behavior in animals — and the results are interesting.
And yet, this fact was ignored in medical textbooks and anatomical illustrations until recently. The clitoris was treated as a vestigal organ at best. While local hook up romance sexuality movies upon thousands of pages have been written about penile surgery — especially about restoring or enhancing sensation, the majority of medical information regarding the clitoris and clitoral hood consisted of dermatology.
And we, as a culture, continue to be incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of female sexuality or women having sexual agency. Local hook up romance sexuality movies the opening chapters of his book, Daniel Berenger talks about an eye-opening study regarding the differences between female and male sexuality. Between each clip, they would be shown a video of a nature scene to return their arousal level back to baseline normal.
Each subject had a keypad on which they would rate their feelings of arousal. Male response tracked closely to their reported sexual identity; gay men were aroused by gay porn and nude men while straight men were aroused by the hetero couples and the women; their subjective and objective arousal levels matched. In fact, the records showed that women were far more aroused than men by a wider variety of images. Regardless of sexual identity, the female subjects were aroused by the sexual activity; the lesbian subjects were aroused by the male homosexual porn and the hetero subjects were aroused by the sapphic lovers and scenes of women masturbating.
Considering the way that society responds to any suggestion that women are sexual creatures, this is hardly surprising. Kinsey into an overnight celebrity; quite the unexpected reception for a dry tome full of charts and statistical data, written for the academic and scientific community.
He lost his grants and his job and died in poverty. Every few months it seems, somebody notices that the sexual culture has been changing, especially on college campuses. The message was unmistakable: these poor girls, ruining their lives because they were fucking like men. I found this tragic because it basically says that these girls are completely editing out tenderness, intimacy, excitement, somebody respecting them … Yes.
And as goes Texas, so goes the rest of the nation; Virginia, Wisconsin and Michigan were quick to follow with their own version of the trans-vaginal ultrasound laws as a way to punish all those sluts for their sluttish ways.
Women are allowed to be sexual… but only in prescribed ways. The Daily Mail — a UK tabloid that is, frankly so shitty that wrapping fish in it would be an insult to the ocean, takes great glee in drawing attention to nip-slips, muffin-tops and the occasional oops-no-panties moment for female celebrities.
Women are continually subject to messages of denial and shame when they step out of the traditional gender roles of sexuality and this directly affects their relationships… and yours. All too often, guys have a hard time expressing their desires or even wanting to admit that they have them. Sometimes they want emotional intimacy or to feel desired.
She had one night stands! Even women who simply approach men rather than waiting for men to make the first move are shamed for aggressively pursuing what they want.
Case in point: Want to get laid more? The tolerance, acceptance and even normalization of rape and rape culture all contributes to a world where women are in danger just by virtue of being women. Remember what I said about enlightened self-interest? It applies just as much here. These are all things that feminism is trying to change.
And it helps both men and women sexually. One of the most important victories won by feminism was the right for women to control their reproduction, local hook up romance sexuality movies. The introduction of hormonal birth control was a critical factor of the Sexual revolution; when women were able to have sex without the risk of pregnancy, it opened up the world to them. Local hook up romance sexuality movies adage that a rising tide lifts all boats applies to equality as much as it does to finance.
Helping work towards equality and social change is in your own best interest. It is a descriptor for a vagina. Note the prefix INTRO, as in, entrance. Now, to a woman, whose body it is, that part of the body is an EXIT: menses, babies, whatnot.
There is only one biological reason for it to be an INTRO and guess what that would be. Even in medical terms, the vagina is defined, in official medical jargon LATIN, as something to go INTO and not something from which things come out. Really, the talk of entrances and exits altogether is coming from the standpoint of an outsider, and probably a male one. Others are for both purposes, local hook up romance sexuality movies I kind of try to leave my ear canals alone.
Ok, it was fun to read. Just finished reading The Mistress by Tiffany Reisz one of the best quotes of the book, and there were many was the young girl talking about the advice her aunt gave her regarding sex. It depicts the book as a time bomb and Kinsey as trying to run away before his bomb goes off. It falls under its funny but its true category. I mean yes, "be non-judgmental and accepting of the depth of female sexuality" etc is good advice, but the reason to do so is because these things are right in and of themselves, not because they will get you laid more a very dubious proposition at best.
This is exactly the same advice I see PUAs give quite a bit — "make the right non-judgmental noises, local hook up romance sexuality movies, it helps to get you laid" never mind your real opinions. The best way to get laid is just by being an local hook up romance sexuality movies man. That way lies misery. The point is that what we "want" is partly socially constructed, and partly based on the perceived risks and benefits of putting it into action.
Desire, lust…these are chemical clicks in our brains, in our nervous systems, our genitals, our basic biology. I dislike the utilitarian framing of basic feminism, also. Going back to the original article, it amused me that the attack on evo-psych was spearheaded by — none other than new and different evo-psych! The evidence suggesting that women either actively repress or fail to recognize their own desire is compelling though.
And it rings true to my experience. Desire is BOTH biological AND socially constructed. So call me skeptical of your ideas about how desire works — doubly so because your framing implies that desire is beyond analysis. I agree that socialisation must play some role in attraction, particularly in the formulation of very specific cues that in specific societies signal fertility, youth, status etcbut not in others — but clearly desire must be biologically constructed to some very very large percentage, otherwise homosexuality would have evaporated years ago in all Judaeo-Christian societies.
Re ethics and utility, that "enlightened self-interest" framing of "support a better world because it will get you laid more" is what squicks me out some, in many ways. Sometimes that means thinking concretely about what it would mean for them. Ridiculous, it cannot be both. It has a lot in common with things that squick me out, too. However, I see an important distinction between stating it on a personal "Read these lines convincingly and you, GeorgeFredMikeSteve, will get laid tonight!
This can only improve your odds if true. On a sociological "if we change the environment that causes these barriers to women feeling comfortable admitting to wanting sex and then having it, local hook up romance sexuality movies, women will probably have more sex, and some of it will be with men, and that ups the chances of men who want sex with women" level it seems not only innocuous but rational. The problem, of course, would lie with anyone who confused "gradually, more men are getting laid by women, so men who want to have sex with women have a theoretically increasing chance of finding someone willing, hooray!
Do I get free shipping on that? When can I expect these changes to be patched into society? Unfortunately, I seem to have broken something else while I was installing everything.
So why would you not support this? For example, when I am in a monogamous relationship, it is literally like I have turned the tap of my desire for other men off.
I might just be weird in this particular way…. But I sincerely doubt I am alone in my sex drive being more directly effected by how "free" I am to express it. As a poly local hook up romance sexuality movies, I can think someone is pretty but the moment they slut-shame anyone not just me my uterus shrivels.
This is a very apt criticism of this post. DNL is right that women should have a right to be free to explore their sexuality. However, men who are true and genuine supporters of this are not necessarily going to get sex. We all can problem find many men who would dismiss all the above as prattle and get lots of sex.
We all know men sincerely believe the above and have less than average sex lives. Right belief does not lead to good outcomes.
They have every right to be pissed. I do not dispute the right of any of my fellow humans to be pissed. A lot of good has come about because people are pissed. If you believe you are a rare or acquired taste, though, I think that women being able to express their desires more freely is especially important for you.
There are two reasons why. First, many people only express desire for the things that are culturally acceptable. Only women with particularly high risk tolerances will do so!
Second, if there are local hook up romance sexuality movies women out there who might potentially find you attractive, barriers for women around expressing their sexuality will have a disproportionate impact on you.
Suppose there are ten women who find Mr. X from finding a woman who thinks he is awesome. My point is: there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO that will guarantee that you, personally, will find someone who thinks you are hot. All you can do is up the odds of finding that person.
One way to do that is to be more attractive. Another way is to work to change the world so that the person who thinks you are hot is more likely to say so, and be willing to act on it.
This is a call to level the playing field instead of filling the female side with quicksand, alligators, and angry monkeys throwing poo. It will be a much more fun and fair game for everyone without all that crap on one side of the field.
We had several threads on this blog about privilege, that nobody owes you sex, and the problems with PUA. As CmE, this article has some rather bad PUA material in it. The overall advise might be golden but its local hook up romance sexuality movies in shit. I thought it was a fine "hook" to the article in a "turnabout is fairplay" sort of way. I think the Dr. However, this can be said about anything else related to dating as well.
There are men who are good conversationalists, or who have interesting hobbies, or socialize with lots of women who have less than average sex lives. There are, local hook up romance sexuality movies, in fact, some guys who are getting less sex than they want or who are only able to have sex in long term relationships because they have crappy attitudes about sex. But complete altruism is incredibly rare in people, especially throughout the past fifty odd years.
Our culture rewards varying degrees of selfishness hello capitalism. So often the best way to motivate people to engage in activism, you have to present possible tangible benefits beyond the good feeling you get when you work to change the world.
Women do have to desire you as well. I think this becomes even more common as people get a little older and more women have sort of worked through the slut shaming and sex negativity stuff. Recognizing that the plural of anecdote is not data, I have a story that I think is kind of on point. I used to hang out with a group of people that consisted of about eight women and two guys, local hook up romance sexuality movies.
Both Guy A and Guy B were pretty attractive, more so than most women in the group. Guy B is considered more charming and is better at flirting. Of the women in the group, Guy B slept with his ex-girlfriend. A couple of the rest of us agreed. I do admit to rolling my eyes about certain things but thats more about exasperation and bewilderment with a dash of jealousy than judgment.
People exchanging sex stories, even if they are a bunch of lies, kind of excludes me from the conversation since my experience is practically zilch. My options are to get up and leave, which is kind of weird at social events, or sit silently endure. Thats my exasperation and jealousy. My bewilderment is that people like chest-thumping about sex so much. Its just as vulgar as bragging about money. If the stories are relatively harmless and are being told back and forth among people who you otherwise like and respect, I think it might be worthwhile to try to think of them a bit differently.
Maybe think about it as a bunch of lawyers talking back and forth about their professional careers despite the fact that one of their peers is kind of floundering trying to find a job or the right direction, or a bunch of upper-middle class kids talking about studying abroad and backpacking in Europe when one of the people present grew up without those opportunities and has never been able to afford to take an international vacation.
You might want to experiment with trying to lead the conversation, with changing topics gracefully, or with throwing an occasional joke in.
Finding a different way to navigate these difficult situations might help alleviate this problem of other people not seeing you as a sexual person. Equating sex and money? But the selfishness of his goal did nothing to dampen the importance of what he started. Embracing feminism to get laid is not a noble motivation. Maybe I should do a little more reading about this. I was like "Yay, openminded people!
Maybe… Incidentally, the guys I know who get the most sex claim to treat women as glorified semen receptacles.
Quantity is not quality. Actually, the culture described by DNL can explain this phenomena. When there are only two options for categorizing women: Madonna or Whore, and men who want to be genuinely decent many but certainly not all of whom also find long-term love relationships more fulfilling than casual sex assume this means treating women they are attracted to like Madonnas, local hook up romance sexuality movies. Many women find the Madonna box unappealing and unrealistic for a number of reasons.
Emotionally, they are less of a risk when it comes to casual sex even when they are a greater risk for safety and disrespect. So these guys can end up with more partners. Of course, this vastly oversimplified categorization system bears little resemblance to how desire and emotions actually work, thus the call to tear down these crappy boxes. Its also why men that have a lot of sex appeal often come across as douchebags to other men. I also think that the Puritans get a bad wrap.
They were messed up a out sex and some weird ideas about theatre being bad because its a lie but they had many good qualities to. They were against all those awful entertainments that involved cruelty towards animals, favored education for girls more than anybody else at the time in the West, and believed in a more democratic government than other people in the Anglosphere. Living under the Puritans was more just than living under partying and sexual Cavaliers.
Something like a third of Puritan brides were already pregnant when they got married. Puritans actually get a bad rep for sex sometimes too. And most Puritan settlements had lofts instead of separate rooms for children and very thin walls all around. Sex was a normal, even celebrated part of Puritan life, local hook up romance sexuality movies, so long as it stayed in the marriage bed.
Lofts rather than separate bedrooms probably had to do more with economics. Until recently, most kids in the West probably heard their parents having local hook up romance sexuality movies at some point. Just like Cosmo, except the other way around. Those articles are laughably horrible and equal in lameness and bad advice to the Cosmo articles. Both should be ignored. I like to define good sex as that which results in orgasms for everyone involved. It would be awesome if we all jumped in the sack because it was a safe place we could have some fun and enjoy ourselves without all the shame and pressure.
Yes, orgasm is nice and all, but there is far more to sex than orgasms. I personally really want to cum every time I have sex. Not necessarily from the PiV part though. Conjecture of course, but I think a valid question. I agree on the "You must cum so I can feel like a man! It can make sex go from "fun playtime" to something ugly real quick.
That goes both ways. I know there are guys who have a tough time letting go, and sex can quickly become a lesson in frustration very quickly. Not having an orgasm from sex HURTS. Is this one of those range things? I find this fascinating! The two things give me completely different equally phenomenal sensations in completely different areas.
But then, same for my girlfriend in the same situation. OTOH, if I ever do feel uncomfortable, or just very frustrated, a quick trip to the bathroom can solve that problem. A fantastic article, Dr. I admit I clicked on this article in the self interest of getting laid more often, but what I read here is something I feel has been brewing in my head for a while and you spelled it out simply, clearly, and succinctly that last one people may argue about.
Now talking more specifically to your "Fighting Back Against Rape Culture" section, have you heard of the Backup Ribbon Project? Maybe hit these people up and help get the word out? Now onto the main point. I recognize that women are sexual creatures and they have every right to their free sex sites best internet hookup site, fantasies, and right to enjoy sex. The issue is that how do you as an individual get a woman to want to have sex with you.
How do I get a woman to desire me? Like confidence, you have to see it in yourself before others see it in you. When I see women check out men, the men either tend to be the pretty boy type or hunks. However, overall I do not see myself falling to the consensus of what women fantasize about for no strings attached sex. Therein lies your problem. As for short and hairy. I just saw an old movie with Benicio del Toro and there was a scene in a bar where he sent this wave of sexuality.
Because women and men have previously and currently expressed interest, in various ways, in having sex with me. I do know quite a few short stocky guys who do very well for themselves, though, so I doubt your physique is too much of an issue. There is also a certain amount of "accepted leery of certain body types. Men are, by and large, more allowed to express their desires than women, and yet certain types of female appreciation are discouraged. Women do not necessarily sleep with the men that they fantasize about.
But you should also notice the men that they are actually with. I can use myself as an example here. Let me tell you a story. One of the hottest women I have ever met was my college roommate. She OOOOOZZED her fun and decadent sexuality like it was a dress she could put on and flaunt. He had a natural sense of himself and fantastic rhythm. I would have dated him in a heartbeat and I had at least four inches on him, my roommate had about two.
He was comfortable with who he was and knew what he brought to the table. Consequently, he was sexy. Oh, he also had really thick glasses. The guy was still smoking hot. Good news for you? Or you can do what my brother did and find a nice petite girl. Next, muscular in a stocky way?
If you have nice meaty shoulders and power in your back, hot hot hot. As far as hairy? The only part of hairy that seems to be a prevalent preference is for a clear back. Or you can choose to decide that your personal hotness is greater than the sum of your back hairs and you know what? There are women out there who will be on board. He said he could never be attracted to a man because they are all he used the word "we" "Lumpy and hairy" For the next hour my roommate and I had a little love of the male body gush fest, ignoring him and his incredulity completely, waxing poetic about the beauty of lumpy and hairy.
Not every woman will be attracted to you, but I guarantee you, there are ones out there who are. Weeelllll, okay, while I am all for building confidence and self-love and all that feel-good advice…. There are body types and shapes and colors that are not pleasing to the eye, local hook up romance sexuality movies.
There are combinations of these things that only. I just think saying "Be confident, and people will find you attractive! And at the same time, how many people found the Phantom of the Opera sexy? My point is that nearly any physical shortcoming can be overlooked. It is really really really hard for people with say, Cerebral Palsy to make themselves attractive to the general population. And yet, sometimes even they find love. My point is that you can go one of two roads. You can either focus on the things that you feel take you out of the game so that your vision of the larger picture is like local hook up romance sexuality movies ostrich staring at a single pebble on the ground and wondering why the world is so small, or you can lift your head and see EVERYTHING around you, including the reality that what you perceive as such a horrible flaw may not be the problem at all, there may be something else at work.
I am not a ten. I am not as pretty as she is, but what I project outward is making people make that connection. I know I have my visual flaws. I make the people around me feel good, and guess what? Of everyone on the forum, both you and Lee are caught in these mental cycles of negativity.
In real life, most people would find him extremely creepy and off-putting. I absolutely have shades of this myself, and chatting with other women, it seems they do as well…. Fantasy does not necessarily equal real life desires. Geli did commit suicide over Adolf, and Eva tried, twice. So clearly being a mass murdering psychopath is not directly detrimental to getting women. I had pretty much the exact same body before and after I started getting my depression treated.
Women became vastly more interested in me when all of a sudden I was no longer consumed with self-loathing, anxiety, and frustration. Jess sounds like immense fun to date. I am supposing Jess is also, while not "perfect" attractive, at least fairly pleasing to look at. Confidence as optimism are not the same thing. You have also admitted yourself that you were hanging out with some very toxic people.
So what is holding you back from focusing on your best qualities instead of your worst ones? There has to be something. Self-esteem and confidence are about inner self, how you view yourself. That does not necessarily have any correlation to how OTHER people see you.
Hell, a handful of gummi bears is enough to let me enjoy life for a moment and smile. If you look in the mirror and say "Huh, you know what?
At the best of times, it enhances my day for like…. Positivism is easy if you have lots of things to be positive about, or can easily cheer yourself up.
But this is exactly what I mean. Seeing the good around you and in you is a mental exercise, local hook up romance sexuality movies. It is something that can be practiced and controlled. This is what I mean by feeding your negative energy instead of your positive energy. You can choose to let go of the thoughts that make you miserable.
Some people are unwilling to let go of their negative free hookup sites exotic porn videos for various reasons. What you need to discover is why you are so absolutely invested in clinging to them. When you can figure out why you cling to bad thoughts you can start to unravel that issue and let them go, filling the space with things you love and enjoy. In my life I have walked through the fires of personal hell.
I have made it to the other side because I have control of my head-space. Like they say in riding horses, get control of the head, and the rest will follow. Unless there IS no good around you. There is a girl at work who was voted, by our peers, as "always likely to brighten your day! She is also lazy uses her cheery nature to manipulate local hook up romance sexuality movies into doing things for herrather short-sighted ignores and writes off constructive criticism and is like nails on a chalk board to me.
But she is SO insistent on everyone liking her and being the most popular, positive person she will not leave me alone. I am not invested in negative thoughts. I am invested in honesty and truth. From the little I know about you from these comments, you have an okay job, live in a neat city, are smart and reasonably attractive. You have it pretty great. You just need to allow yourself to believe that. Not so people will like you more, but for your own personal well-being. You are deluding yourself if you focus only on the negative, yes.
I have a job I am constantly terrified of being fired of, that I get constant feedback from that I suck, where I am extremely unpopular and in a cliche environment.
You can afford an apartment in a city. You are resourceful enough to work towards the goal of being able to own a bigger apartment. You are smart have you seen "average intelligence? Your attractiveness is validated on this site nearly every day.
Which one of us is more correct? The answer is neither; we are both equally correct. The only difference is that I put a positive spin on the facts, and you put a negative spin on them. Positivity and confidence will not guarantee you a boyfriend.
Negativity and constant self-depreciation will almost certainly guarantee you a difficult time finding a boyfriend. I live in the suburb, in the cheapest apartment I could find. I am no more or less resourceful than pretty much every other single person going back to school later in life which is pretty much everyone unless they were smart enough to local hook up romance sexuality movies it right the first time around.
As far as validating my attractiveness on this site, that has far less to do with actual truth, and far more with people just wanting me to shut the hell up.
This is what drives me crazy about "positivity. Also talented: I sew, and am in a position to notice your sewing. But I also think that your unhappy feelings have to be affecting your other perceptions and behavior, and those of others you meet, in an un-useful way. Sorry to run on so long here, but you clearly have a lot to offer, and can be more successful in the dating arena if it is truly your Will.
Look at how con men work, local hook up romance sexuality movies. If they do not really get into character internally and believe in the role they are playing, then someone is going to smell a rat and the police are going to turn up.
Anyone whose good at persuasion knows they need to use both their inner and outer selves to influence how other people see and react to them. They missed a truth about me and were surprised to learn it not because my outer self told them anything by itself. But because my inner self was anxious and that reflected in the body language of my outer self. As a former actor, I knew that appearances only mattered so much. If I wanted to convey a role well on stage then I needed to get into character.
And if I lacked confidence on stage in a lead role then I was finished. I sang a solo in an amateur musical once. Getting onto that stage dressed in character terrified me but I knew if I lost control of my inner self then I was finished.
I got a round of applause one night for simply getting out of a chair because I used my body language to communicate an inner state of annoyance at something another character had said.
I was getting changed from one role in the changing rooms and got surprised by a young lady who wanted to tell me that my singing in the guise of an old man "really turned her on". And after the professional production at university, I was approached in the street by a random woman who wanted to tell me how much she enjoyed my performance. I got texts along the lines of: "I never realized you were such a good actor".
My argument is that people overestimate how MUCH it helps; vastly over-estimate, in my opinion. Yes, inner self can help change how people see outer self. Arguing that confidence is the biggest thing that matters is arguing about building a house on sand. But build a house on rock… take a natural acting talent, and add confidence… and of COURSE people are going to respond.
So while confidence IS a factor, it annoys me when people make it the biggest or only deciding factor. In cases of unattractive or mediocre people, it is at best a band-aid, and I think we should acknowledge that.
I think you vastly underestimate it Marty, in an extremely unhealthy way. That needs to change. You are fighting really hard to stay in a small dark hole. Why should I bother. Why are you determined to keep yourself in such a miserable mental state. Heck, I know most of what she says well because it has been my argument over the years too. She hurt me, I had to behave and react like that because my options are limited. It was much better for me to believe that I was fundamentally bad.
Yes, I got bullied a lot. Yes, I got treated very badly by some people. That was my blanket. Hence me being sad for three years or so, local hook up romance sexuality movies. To process all of this, I would have to acknowledge what I did to help cause what happened. I got caught up in having a local hook up romance sexuality movies life and feeling like a "real man" that I missed myself acting like an asshole at times.
I do know it helps me feel less weighed down. Mate, at this moment, I want to buy you a beer in the worst way. It takes a brave man to face down all that. What Gentleman Horndog said. Saying "You just need to BELIEVE it" is over-simplistic. In "Bright-Sided," Barbara Ehrenbeich talks about how when her cancer was showing no signs of abetting, her doctors blamed HER for not being "positive" enough.
Because, see, she was angry… about having cancer. It band-aids over what could be the ACTUAL problem. Confidence and optimism can come FROM solving the core problem…. And frankly, I find your tone deeply insulting. You are not attempting to understand, you are attempting to slap on a one-size-fits-all remedy and feel better about yourself as a result.
But at some point we have to figure out what we really want out of life and then set ourselves on the path to achieve it, local hook up romance sexuality movies. The only choice I have is to either choose to acknowledge the good and do my best to minimize the bad, or I can do the other and focus on the bad and local hook up romance sexuality movies what good there is.
They already are what they are, the only truth in life is what you choose to perceive. Every image that comes into our eyes, every scent that reaches our nose, and every thing we touch is a composite of electrical signals firing through our neurons.
The world we live in is the mosaic our brain makes out of that. If you would like to be a pessimist, that is fine. Yes, I am for help. And asking for help does not mean all help is created equal.
I find some things more helpful than others, local hook up romance sexuality movies, and telling me to "crawl out of my hole-see the sunshine! I am allowed to decide what help I find helpful, am I not? I do believe in a truth. But insisting on "seeing the positive" and papering over it with optimism is treating the symptom.
And "focusing on the negativity" is not the cause. However, it is pretty effective if the core problem literally is your negative thinking. For me, personally, the core problem is that I am not a socially-worthwhile person. Ya know, someone to actually be confident about. Except you do have value. All the people here on this forum who see your posts and think they are well thought out, insightful, intelligent, and especially your awesome gif skills admire you.
So, how do we explain this. It makes me feel like you are setting yourself up to judge my worth as a human being. Worse, given how harsh you are to yourself, it makes me never want to show you any vulnerability lest you be that harsh and unforgiving to me.
But I think very carefully about the standards that I set, and the way that I judge people. For example, I focus on behavior and skills rather than on "states of being. I strive to keep learning new things, to behave ethically, to treat my community lovingly. Plus, we all help each other become better people together!
Being confident just means you are good at being confident, it does not automatically make the product you are selling better. That bad speech would be even worse and the people watching uncomfortable with the entire experience instead of just disappointed by the content.
But in that same vein, a speech that is actually full of good content and written beautifully, even if delivered in a non-confident way, would still be better than the confident-but-sucky speech. So in the speech-writing example, the problem is not so much a matter of confidence, but how awful the content and writing of the speech is. Sheesh Marty, local hook up romance sexuality movies, I never said that confidence was the be all end all.
In fact I deliberately said the opposite several times. But you and I are both agreeing here that confidence makes even something that is mediocre better. If you need to rewrite the speech, fine. What do you do at that point? Do you concede that the entire speech is doomed to be an utter failure?
Or do you work those slides in, address them quickly, and then move on to local hook up romance sexuality movies points you want to make that you feel are good points, and deliver those points as best you can, with as much confidence as you can?
I talked about bad things in my life. They are not in the past. They are constant in the present and they will never go away. On occasion, I let myself feel bad about them. Then I move on and deal with them as best I can and I make a point to enjoy the things worth enjoying in my life. People are allowed to have that outlook for whatever reasons they want. Just be very aware that pessimists tend to draw pessimists to them and be attracted to pessimists and be unhappy even if their situations do change for the better because it is never good enough.
If you want that to change, well…? NO, I am not saying confidence with mediocre things makes it better. Yes, I would focus on the negative… to fix it. Not to dwell on it, but to correct them in whatever way I could. I should be focusing and addressing the problem, which is the bad slides. And this is my entire freaking point. People keep advising "confidence! What I want you to do is actually try to understand where I am coming from, and stop lecturing me.
Like I said all the way at the beginning…. First, self-esteem is not actually that important for happiness. I agree local hook up romance sexuality movies you that saying, "But just feel good about yourself! Second, the creativity literature suggests that "trying to fix the bad stuff" is actually not a good long-term strategy.
People who play to their strengths, as opposed to trying to fix their weaknesses, tend to be more successful in the long run. Or, more accurately: to address "blocking" weaknesses in the most minimal possible way so that they can get on to using their strengths. So in the slides example, the smart play would be to spend as little erotic porn erotic scne as possible bringing them up to a minimally acceptable standard, and then focus on, say, your standout speaking skills.
Again, this is something you can read more about. Yes, very helpful, thank you. I can see the point of self-efficacy being a lot more important to happiness than self-esteem one could argue that a healthy dose of self-efficacy could lead TO self-esteem, not necessarily the other way around.
Sadness is a result of that lose of control among other things, as nothing is ever straight forward. If none of your strengths relate to speech giving, then focusing on fixing the bad slides may be the best option. Know what I mean? But yes, self-efficacy does tend to lead to the healthy type of self-esteem. You are totally right about the tie to depression, too. He writes about this stuff in the context of careers, but it actually might be helpful for you to see how he does "worked examples" in a less-fraught context than dating.
I do understand your desire to try to change the slides. Believe me, I get that. The boss wants them in as is. What do you do then? You will always have to deal with things that suck. Sometimes you have to let the dam break and instead focus on building a boat. But it is worth noting what your "resting state" mentality is.
You might have problems, but life can always be worse. If life is like a staircase, fixing your problems will only put you up on a new step.
The question is, will you be happy there? Well, local hook up romance sexuality movies, then, it really comes down to calling people liars, or how in the world you define "confidence. I felt confident, I acted confident, local hook up romance sexuality movies.
See how insidious that is? Sounds cliched beyond belief. I had to do the work and I had to build the foundation. I competed for one of the lead roles in the production and won.
I could have easily decided I was crap and not gone for a role at all. My comfort zone at the time was directing and producing plays at an amateur level. Which was an achievement in itself. I revised like crazy and changed how I did things quite a bit. On the day the exam results came out, I prepared myself for not getting the results I wanted. Holding those exam results almost made me cry.
Could not quite believe them to be honest. Experienced a similar feeling when they gave me my therapy qualifications a few years ago. Not because any of those things were natural talents. I worked for those things and created a foundation as best I could.
It sounds cliched but without the confidence to stand up for myself, none of those things would have happened. There would have been no first choice university, no degree course, no professional acting opportunity, no being published in national magazines, no therapy qualifications, no writing for the BBC website, no recovering from something that could have killed me had I been a lot older and frail.
Some moments were so hard. I burst into tears in the physios office as my mind went on a rant about being "ugly and now a cripple too". I was scared to be on my own again and looking after myself and terrified to do what I knew I had to. Physio terrified me and so did doing the exercises. First time my left hand started touch typing again from memory made me cry.
It stumbled, it faltered, it hurt like hell but it did it. Things quivered in my left hand as my arm struggled to hold them and I cried again when it held them firmly for the first time since the accident. I delivered it and legged it out of there for the benefit of my mind. I called a spade a spade many times. I acknowledged the negative many times. I gave that line a personal meaning during my recovery.
It was basically all I had. Yes, confidence helped you do all those amazing things. Yes, some teachers told you you sucked… and yet you got into the university. Imagine if ALL teachers were telling you you sucked, and the university turned you down.
THAT is what I am trying to address. Yes, confidence helped you… but it helped YOU, specifically, because you already had positive things lurking underneath, and had already achieved things in life. Confidence is a garnish, not the dish.
You already had a good meal cooked, that needed extra spice. But for other people on this board…. The dish needs to be fixed first, before confidence could have any kind of impact. Without confidence of one kind of another, I never would have found any positive things lurking underneath and I would not have achieved things in life. But if I do, they would have meant nothing had I not shown up and used them when the opportunities turned up in my life.
Nothing stopping me running away and hiding somewhere before a play I was in was about to start. I never thought it was. Wants to fix my hair loss too. And maybe those are the real problems stopping women from liking me. Part of me wants to fix so many underlying problems about myself and turn myself into a DIY project. And maybe there are things to fix. And if there are, how am I going to fix them without confidence?
I could have proper hair again. Without confidence, nothing changes. I get told off for being "moody" a lot of the time. And I am someone whose guided people through a journey of rebuilding their lives and their confidence in my work as a therapist. Not asking anyone to see the world differently or to see themselves differently or to see themselves how I see them. Just writing down my perspective.
You are not a pile of dog droppings. You are far from it. Because I have lots and lots of evidence for seeing myself that way. One important thing is to take your environment into consideration when processing what the truth seems to be. When I was little and laterin my family I was hated. Not going into the gory details, but my family nickname was "Scum of the Earth.
It seems possible that you may also find something similar in the future. In the meantime, I have to say that I was very surprised to hear you describe yourself as average intelligence. You come across to me a certified genius for whatever that is worthas quite above-average in intelligence. If that were not so, I doubt so many people would be so engaged in conversation with you.
So Attraction is WAY more than either physical traits or confidence, but both those are included in the stat. And something that is hard to hear is a big portion is Compatibility across a number of those attributes since you could improve all those things about yourself and some girls or guys [or Orcs] will still not be interested. As much as I hate to admit it math does not solve everything.
Wait, a giant mace is a negative modifier? Even if it has spikes?? Actually, come to think of it, the times I see men checking out women, the women tend to be on the very attractive end of the spectrum, possibly because they are more likely to inspire a less than subtle response from men.
The same is probably true when women check out men. It takes another person, usually female, to point it out to me. What do you want to hear, Lee? Do you want to hear that women are attracted to a wide variety of body types, and that becoming sexually appealing is within reach if you can address the issues standing between you and that goal? Because even though the first is completely true, you seem to spend a hell of a lot of energy fighting for meet and fuck sites fuck him second, local hook up romance sexuality movies.
I can only imagine they cheat because poly is still such a new and scary social concept. In my wider social circle, it seems like there is a pretty big percentage of poly couples… It sort of feels like poly is no longer a niche, but a norm, and I as a monogamous person may need to sacrifice that if I want a wider range of people to select a partner from.
Because sex hookups fuck week want sex to JUST be for your partner, and having other people in the mix makes it feel cheaper and less special to you. Because managing just ONE relationship is plenty difficult all by itself, and juggling other relationships and managing the complications that emerge between your various relationships would make you feel like your brain is melting.
Because the amount of trust it takes local hook up romance sexuality movies make you feel comfortable in a sexual relationship cannot be achieved by anybody except somebody living with and totally committed to you. Because the thought of your partner with somebody else makes you vomit in your mouth.
I know not for everybody, but at least around me, poly seems to be the new norm. Not a lot of people seem that interested in entering monogamous relationships. It definitely varies from place to place.
Very far from being the norm here. Maintaining one relationship is hard enough. Hell, even the scheduling would be challenging Polyamory strikes me as being somewhat like communal living. Works wonderfully for some people but definitely not for everybody. For one thing, you can be poly and still cheat. Of the two people I know have cheated, one did so while her husband was in Iraq and one did so while his wife was pregnant and caring for their active toddler.
Those are situations in which the amount of sex dropped drastically or temporarily ceased. But they are also situations that are highly stressful and mark a difficult period of change and adjustment in a relationship. Official monogamy will likely always be more prevalent simply because in post-agricultural societies it has clear and obvious social advantages.
Basically you had sex, decided whether it worked for you, and then went to your parents and asked to be paired. You could sample as many as you liked before picking and both partners had to agree. I think the consensus is that it has deeper roots than that.
And pair bonds sometimes tended to be shorter back in the day. Lots of women died in childbirth, men died in war and hunting, and local hook up romance sexuality movies had all the random accidents and illness out there.
You often had multiple pair bonds over a lifetime Unless you were a zombie or vampire……which would bring up a whole different set of issues "Braaaaaiiinnnss…". I thought you were dead…. You did die, after all. I need you to leave now. Whether or not people are naturally polygamous or monogamous is up for debate. The evidence is inconclusive. What we do know is that monogamous societies tend to have more social stability than polygamous ones and compete better against them.
One theory on why monogamy came into existence in the first place, assuming natural polygamy, and became dominant was war. Most polygamous societies are of the one man with many wives and concubines variety. This naturally leaves lots of heterosexual men as life long bachelors, local hook up romance sexuality movies. What these men wanted was wives. What rulers wanted were soldiers. Monogamy was something that came about to get men to fight.
I feel this is a vast oversimplification. For starters, you are dealing, as you stated, with mostly polygamous societies, which by definition leave numerous unmarried men so that more powerful men could have more wives.
This was often, in agricultural societies at least, a power thing, because women were to be controlled and owned. I would expect the opposite to happen: a man with a wife and children is much less motivated to become a soldier and fight a war somewhere. I also disagree that polygyny "naturally" or "by definition" as Jewthulhu writes results in lots of unmarried men. In some cases, polygyny arose precisely because there were too few men to begin with e.
In addition, even in most cultures were polygyny is allowed, a single wife is still the most common case for economic reasons, because the man simply cannot support more than one wife. The exception seem to be the cultures were women are the primary workforce. Imagine that you are a man in a society where a quarter to a third of the male population never gets to marry or be in a relationship. They spend their lives forever alone.
You are one of those men. Now your society gets into a war with another society thats the same. No matter who wins, you will remain a bachelor peasant. A man with a family has something to fight for. A man without one, nothing. Your quarter to a third of uncoupled men are dead, not foreveralones. It is a terrifying place, where the dead walk, where powerful creatures crush any who oppose them.
Tread there carefully — or, if you are wise, local hook up romance sexuality movies, tread there not at all. But that would be kinda dickish to Arizonans, who in my experience are mostly perfectly nice people.
More importantly, I only check guys out when I am absolutely sure they are taking no notice of me. NL says, that I am easy and would immediately jump their bones just because I am giving them an approving glance. Men are socialized to be open and obvious about their appraisal and fantasizing. Hmm… the street art in the city I live in tends to either get tagged or pooped on by the local wildlife.
I think I prefer the previous image I had in my head to the current one. Much better than having things yelled out of moving cars at me, anyway. When my hair, makeup, and interested and cheery attitude are good, guys check me out and make positive comments about me and I generally prefer not go around looking homely and being negative, both of which take a lot less effort to pull off!
So I have to make sure to be extra coolly professional to ward off the potential pettiness. You know what I want to see? A culture where people are not judged at all by their sex lives or their ability to attract sexual partners.
One where people could have as much or as little sex as they like in whatever manner they choose and it would only matter to the parties involved. And no one would be judged to be of greater or lesser value based on the presence or absence of partners in their lives.
To this day, when I run into folks from that same social group, or even ones that are only vaguely connected to it, I am still seen as the "easy" girl. This is disgusting, to say the least, especially since both the guys I guys fuck girl top free sex sites dated had a much larger conquest list within the scene.
Yet they were excused, and I was the slut. Saying that a guy who is merely open to the idea of casual sex is suspect, even if he respects your feelings and boundaries. A girl who actively enjoys no-strings sex is someone to approach if I want casual, no-strings sex. Because if being easy means being willing to have low-commitment sex, then a whole lot of guys are guilty. I think the point of the article was to suggest that we can create world without this idiotic double standard.
If these guys are approaching you with the "you had sex with that guy, ergo you should have sex with me" attitude, this is definitely bad, local hook up romance sexuality movies. But It seems like if a person is interested in casual sex, it would be best to look at people who are open to the idea of casual sex. The only reason this would be bad is because the guys seem to be implicitly buying into this idea that being "easy" is bad, shameful, or permanent.
Frustrated at yourself or at circumstances, sure, but nothing directed at other people. There are definitely some guys who channel that set of circumstances into thinking something must be wrong with them, but there are others who conclude something is wrong with the woman. Hell, a dude who used to follow me around and Nice Guy me basically told me that he thought I was deeply disturbed because I had sex with a handful of other men over the course of that year, while he was right there and offering me a long term relationship.
I must be crazy for passing up this chance to get what I really wanted, local hook up romance sexuality movies. Why are local hook up romance sexuality movies angry? What you mentioned in your second paragraph would be an actual entitlement mentality, but not mearly being angry even at a particular person. People get to be angry at whoever they want. The expressing of that anger is what makes it problematic. Fairness is generally the explanation that I get when I engage with those people long enough to parse out why they think their anger is justified.
Sure, you can be angry at whoever you want. And other people my hookup today meet real people online free then feel that anger is entitled. You can hate the world if you want, but I think the point was having a healthier attitude about sex and rejection. You can sit in your room and stew until the cows come home, but what does that make you other than bitter? Sure the dude has a right to feel the way he wants to feel.
But does the anger help anything? Does it get him what he wants? Because in the long run such an attitude is going to drive people away, and wind up creating a moebius strip of entitlement and anger.
There is pretty much no fucking way to get angry AT a woman or anyone else for not having sex with you without being a massively entitled baby. You can think someone should be with you without thinking them declining is not allowed. Is this going to turn into another one of these discussions where you parse the meanings of "rude" versus "disrespectful"? Thinking you deserve to have someone else, while regarding their feelings meet locals for sex pornn movie rights to have feelings opposite yours is not entitlement.
We arrange relationships by common agreement. The only way people do "deserve" each other is if their partner wants to be with them. If you did respect feeling Y as valid, what would there be to get angry at them about? And thus he destroys his empathy for other human beings and justifies behaving repulsively towards them, rather than dealing with his anger constructively. Everyone feels anger, sure. No one is in complete control of their emotions. If you could give me an example of someone who thinks he does without a whole mess of entitled stuff coming along with it, it would be genuinely helpful.
After all, the fallacy only comes into play if there are other, unstated choices. To include this one, I think we need to discuss what it is. But that leads to sadness or to negative feelings pointed at onself, not to anger at the other person. Reasonable: "moderate, fair" "possessing of sound judgement". How can something be fair and of sound judgement while also unhealthy and wrong?
That sounds like a direct contradiction to me. You can have your feelings, not beat yourself up for having your feelings, and still recognize that your feelings are completely unreasonable. I was briefly annoyed because someone parked in "my" parking spot this morning. That was because the stick figure family in their rear window had gone rabid and was in danger of infecting the entire city. Oh, well, since you say so, obviously I should just ignore the definitions of the words given by the primary standard dictionary in the English language.
Frankly, local hook up romance sexuality movies, no feelings are "reasonable", because "reason" is the exact opposite of "emotion". When a person gets rejected, sometimes they feel angry, local hook up romance sexuality movies. I have never heard of this in real life. The only place I have ever heard of this is in feminist leaning forums like this one.
Rejection after rejection after rejection, however, can lead to anger in general but enough rejections can lead to anger being directed at the woman doing the rejection. Engineer and physics researcher, not a social scientist but I know to gather data and test my hypotheses too.
So, if I claimed that the universe was ten thousand years old, would my background make you believe me? Or would you perhaps consider that I might not be an expert in the relevant field? Similarly, if I clung to the notion that the universe was ten thousand years old while refusing to investigate any empirical studies girls finder most beautiful sex listen to expert physicists, would you perhaps be skeptical of any claims I made to be committed to testing my own hypotheses?
This is what Wikipedia says: "the term "entitlement" refers to a notion or belief that one or oneself is deserving of some particular reward or benefit. I think you need to crack open a dictionary and also stop trying to words-lawyer what is gross and shitty to do, no matter what terms are used to describe it.
Pray tell, how do you think that someone ought to be with you against their wishes while not dismissing their own choices. I take issue with the sense that someone "ought" to be with another person at all, ever. FWIW I think the anger from rejection tends to stem from disappointment and the not good part of it is the emotional redirection. Feeling disappointed hurts, feeling angry gives an adrenaline pop, so people turn their disappointment into anger to direct the hurt away from themselves.
I honestly think even that idea of everyone "deserving" sex or love or affection or friendship is fairly troublesome. It also has a nasty habit of migrating into only certain people actually deserving those things — starting with winnowing out serial killers and abusers as undeserving and sometimes moving on to only people like the person speaking deserving good things.
As for anger at rejection, I think some feelings of that sort are very normal and very common and not always terribly unhealthy. Ordinary people are unreasonable and entitled all the time — listen to people tell stories about driving in traffic and finding parking. At least I do! Female sex scientist Emily Nagoski. The results are too robust to doubt, local hook up romance sexuality movies. At the population level, men, on average, have a higher interest in sex than women.
At the same time, women, as a population are more variable than men are, local hook up romance sexuality movies. Here look at this: enigmatrixinc.info? This is a generational — at best — task. I think creating the impression that it would may well lead to disappointment of the nice-guy-kind. Become a feminist ally. Well, true, if only one individual was to change, fuck all would happen to the general odds of everyone everywhere sleeping with another person.
I think what DNL is saying is to become the change we wish to be, and encourage society to change to benefit everyone, local hook up romance sexuality movies. My understanding of what DNL was claiming here was that becoming a feminist ally and fighting for the goals that feminism wishes to achieve would result in a society where women are able to take control of their sexuality, which should have the side effect of increasing the chances having sex for both women and people who would like to sleep with women of, local hook up romance sexuality movies.
How much this chance is is unknown; DNL assumes the chances change for the better dramatically. But someone who may not be as altruistic as you may read this and think: I get more sex if i do x y, z, local hook up romance sexuality movies. Again, I believe, this kind of thinking is a major contributing factor in the creation of the Nice Guy line of thinking. I think it may add to a personality, but this is not the unbelievable secret for getting more sex as a person.
And besides: allies are sexy as hell. Trying to fake it or promote it too hard will be detected and earn you some scorn. But I think that for some people, working on this might open up some more opportunities in the long term with this being a million times more the case for men who have particular desires, like wanting to find women who will tolerate or enjoy a particular fetish, but who have generally sex negative attitudes.
And I think only making that investment for oneself would be the wrong reason, and may possibly make it even more difficult to convince people to actually invest in something with a completely unknown return in a very distant future.
But, if someone says to himself the sentiment I wrote above, "Hmm, maybe there is something about the way I think about sex that is causing problems. There are a lot of guys who are already there and who have other stuff to work on. My concern was only with the reasoning for doing so, not with the doing so itself. Then being pro-feminist and sex-positive merely improves your chances, local hook up romance sexuality movies.
This is, I believe, much more of a mainstream problem. That is absolutely, completely, utterly false. There are lots, and lots, and lots of men and to a lesser extent women who are incredibly judgmental about sex when it comes to everything except their own particular fetish, and some other even sadder people who are judgmental about everything including their own particular fetish.
GH sums it up correctly. Other people, who are interested in things outside the norm, will often need to get on board with this attitude if they hope to find partners. As for everyone else, being sex positive can be helpful for people who are looking for casual sexual activity. Knowing those women will increase the likelihood of agreeing with sex positive positions.
That depends on other things, like where you live and the scope of your social life. Honestly, these seem like pretty basic expectations of a decent human being, not something someone should see as extra effort to get themselves more sex. Anyway, DNL points out some very immediate concerns: there are laws in the works right now restricting abortion, birth control access, etc.
But for those not naturally inclined to doing so, giving the impression that it will lead to more sex will create both problematic incentives and problematic expectations. I think that this kind of behaviour is based on cultural conventions and psychology that are not too likely to be affected by laws. Laws passed now will create the cultural conditions influencing future women.
This kind of misunderstanding is, I believe, a major reason for a lot of the nice guy dynamic, that so many people complain about so often. Also, giving people the impression of a certain likelihood of individual rewards may well "crowd out" otherwise altruistic motives.
This is a similar case, in my opinion. Sam, you are doing an excellent job expressing my criticism of the post. Your doing a better job than I did above. I realize that DNL probably intended his opening to be a sort of hook and a joke on PUA. The problem is that a lot of people really want sex and that this desire kind of affects their ability to think rationally.
A lot of people make their living by preying on this sort of desperation about sex, love, or a myriad of other desires. A lot of people are going to read this post at face-value, they might be kind of dim to do so but its going to happen.
Thats why it might have been better if DNL did not try to start with a hook and took a more honest approach to his message. And I do think that laws can have an immediate impact on group behavior in society. It did take decades for the social climate to change in a way that would now legally allow gay marriage. Sometimes laws come at the end of a process, sometimes they start a process, but the behavioral impact always takes a long time. It certainly depends on what kind of law and what kind of population, sure.
But in general, I think local hook up romance sexuality movies activist people tend to vastly overestimate the impact of legal changes in the short meet and fuck websites busty erotic and underestimate their impact, as well as their unintended effects, in the LONG run.
Indeed the world is ruled by little else. Practical men, who believe themselves to be quite exempt from any intellectual influence, are usually the slaves of some defunct economist. I speak from personal experience. I agree with the entire article.
The kinds of things this article proscribes happen in a time scale which is generational at BEST… these changes are good changes. I mean generally speaking the articles on this site kind of sell something. I have problems picking up "irony" in real life too… almost to the point where when I talk to Hipsters who are doing everything ironically.
It hurts everyone to make automatic assumptions about their sexual desires or lack thereof. Believe people when they indicate what they want "No, thanks. But then I would have to think for myself and not have pop culture spoon feed me my patterns of behaviour! How would I seek external validation for my sexual preferences then!? I agree with this, I think that it might be generally safer to presume no consent than to presume porn romance fucked sites. I think that a lot of problems with rape culture are a result of men presuming consent.
My general assumption is that there is no consent. Well, if societal change is the key to men getting more sex from women, screw sex positivity. Now THAT will get you laid. That never would have worked as a news story if rape culture were not a societal standard. Oh yeah, that was CNN and their lament over the effing STEUBENVILLE rapists.
Much more evidence than your run-of-the-mill rape case and still the handwringing over the fate of the rapists. Still not a societal standard. Scouted athletes everywhere have a network for getting them out of trouble, pandering to the media to give them positive attention even in the light of crimes is not out of their reach. In no way does that imply that the societal standard is a culture of rape apologetics, it never did and it never will.
The thing is, perpetrating a horrible cultural message is not mutually exclusive with being a decent human being, nor is the perpetrating always done deliberately and out of malice. If they do not know how, they can ask. The other day, a police officer was going around our street handing out these leaflets asking for any witnesses to a case of sexual assault that happened last night to come forward.
These people were not horrible "rape shamers". They were neutral and uninformed citizens. And yet, rather than sympathize with the victim, they jumped straight on the victim blame train. What will get people laid is meeting somebody that wants to have sex with them that they want to have sex with.
Or multiple if you are into that sort of thing but the mechanics of group sex always seemed troublesome and the intimacy level lacking. He comes over, is very focused on making me happy, we have great naughty sex and then I go on with my day until the next time. I find most men are kind of needy and if I sleep with them they start to want a relationship, but so far so good with this fellow.
As long as both parties are respectful and very honest about where they are emotionally, it can be very nice. Not everyone can have sex without getting attached women local hook up romance sexuality movies menbut for those who can it can be really fun. The guy walked free, no consequences. That was a long time ago, but Dr. Feminist ally eroticahd fast as fuck boy sounds silly to me.
That said, I could be a Judaism ally and not a Jew. I could show support for Muslims and not be one. Just me thinking aloud. The term is philosemite, Philo lover of Semites literally a speaker of a Semitic language but really only refers to Jews despite certain protestations from some very dumb people in order to hide their Jew-hatred.
I understand the basics of it but there is one thing that is particular troubling to me. Mainly, the idea that you have to be non-judgmental. What does it really mean to be non-judgmental? Do you have to be non-judgmental about everything sexual except the things that are supposed to be universally despised like non-consensual sex?
At best I can keep my opinions on these things to myself. Can I still be sex positive despite this? Another issue is how jealous am I allowed to get and still be sex positive?
I am envious of people who have better love and sex lives than I have. I want the experiences and sexual adventures they have. I worry about getting an eratz version of sexual experimentation. Is this permissible or does this make me sex-negative? To a certain extent sex-positive thinking seems to involve hearing "FYIGM" from people with great sex lives and accepting that.
And it seems to bear out here, given that the majority of the commenters identify as sex positive, and have been trying very hard to give you advice, not just telling you to suck it up. But when you go from simply having your preferences to shaming someone personally, publicly or behind their back or feeling ashamed of who you are and what consensual pleasures you want, then this is sex-negative. Sex positive is an attitude that people are free to have and enjoy sex without being shamed or ostracized by society for their behavior.
Maybe they are just want to catch you up on their lives? If these are professional connections, then why tell them how much or how little sex you are having? And I do know how it feels to have people talk about something I desperately needed and was struggling to get. They told me because it was a cool thing in their lives.
I did envy them, but never resented them. They know their friends have a right to be joyful about their own pregnancies and children, but Damn, listening to all of the talk really really hurts. Or the unemployed friend who is struggling to find a job being around people talking about work, especially if they talk about leaving a job because they got a better offer.
This sums it up about right. You have friends that are in romantic relationships and get to do things together, than they get together with other couples and do things as groups of couples and you feel excluded. The people you resent are not doing anything to you. They are just living their lives with their own ups and downs. This is a lot easier said than done, its like asking the person with the terrible, problem infested apartment and crappy job not to feel resentful of the person with the great home and good job.
Envy, jealously, and resentment come a lot naturally to many people than non-resentment. Women have enough problems but the idea of a creepy man making a woman feel uncomfortable is at least more established in society. Its seen as a problem. How I deal with a woman creep? Ugh, sorry to hear about your creep. As far as women creepers go, Oh man. They can be the worst because there are women out there that think it is perfectly acceptable for them to act that way because men are supposedly so overcome by their overwhelming sexual selves that it is never unwanted.
Men also tend to get disbelieved more about women making them feel creeped out because of the stereotype. When I was in the position of being the person in the crappy infested apartment, in the rough neighborhood, working long and hard hours at minimum wage jobs, I avoided resentment taking hold when I was around my classmates by allowing myself to feel envy, local hook up romance sexuality movies, but not allowing it to turn to resentment towards those around me.
Usually I checked it through recognizing that they had their own issues and might resent things I had and recognizing that envy was my problem and my weakness, not theirs. As for the woman creeper, my sympathies. What do you have in mind specifically? I have an eating disorder and get very triggered when people go on and on about their Paleo diets and their Crossfit routines, and I used to resent people for local hook up romance sexuality movies about them.
My pet rock got washed away in a rainstorm. How dare you bring up the weather to me! One might say deliberately so. So it basically means whatever the speaker wants it to mean at the time. Whenever you start asking yourself if you live up to the standard of some nebulous local hook up romance sexuality movies, go splash some cold water on your face. Ask yourself the following questions: Can you think over your actions and sleep well at night?
Are you being a huge jerkbag to anyone? Those local hook up romance sexuality movies make things both simpler and clearer. A great article, I learned a few new things and agree with your standpoint. Will it motivate me in the messages I will teach my daughter? As much as I really, truly loved every part of this article, the picture of Vegeta was hands down my favorite part.
This article makes me a little uncomfortable. I agree with pretty much everything that DNL says about the way women are socialized, but advertising activism and feminism as a way to get more sex sounds like a cheap ploy to get more pageviews.
I mean, I would say that studying feminism has helped me with women, but not because "allies are sexy". Feminism helps me have a better attitude when I interact with other people. Resentment is toxic, and feminism defeats that by helping me be more compassionate. Post a lighthearted friendzone logic parody to Facebook and watch the fireworks unfold. Encourage a dudette to stand up for herself and grab popcorn for the reactions to it provided she has the constitution to enjoy it too.
Come to the aid of a friend who is hit upon in an icky way and you two have joke fodder for the rest of the evening. The clitoris, like the penis, is truly an awesome biological piece of engineering.
What drives me crazy is when people say that sexually active women have "looser" vaginas, therefore if they want to stay tighter to please their man, they should have fewer partners or some shit.
Yeah I never get Woman that believe in that idea. I agree with most parts except that last bit about being a feminist ally. Plenty of men can and do have good sex and relationships without subscribing to the feminist ideas. There is no evidence to suggest that men who are feminist allies have more sex or better sex.
Besides, feminism itself comprises of multiple schools of thought. If you like some version of the myriad of feminist ideologies, go ahead and follow them. There is no guarantee that it will get you more sex. There is never any such guarantee. They had more sex as well as more satisfaction in their sex lives.
Sexist men, on the other hand, tend to end up with women who also uphold rigid sex-role stereotypes. I completely agree that this hurts everyone and if this is the issue that turns some men to feminism, great. I think working to make sex better for everyone is an excellent cause. Dude, please dont take it badly, but sometimes I just think you take too long on the articles.
Like in women approach, sometimes you just need to be objective. Most people attempt to pick the articles apart for not having enough in them. Your article is just kind of a nag. Here, dear reader is the way you SHOULD feel about sex. If you do change the way you feel you will get more of it.
Why not just state your philosophy without trying to bribe me with sex to believe it? But to claim that I will get laid more? Go to a party and tell the women you meet that you think women should be allowed to enjoy sex the way men do.
Tell me what your results are. If what you mean is once you stop being a sexist women will tend to respond better to you, well okay. But that is no secret. I thought this article was going to go in an entirely different direction…. Just go to a swingers club, sex is sex people. So I guess you need to really decide on what you want when looking.
For some guys, it IS that hard to find somebody who will sleep with you. Trust me, I used to be one. No interested potential partners means NO interested potential partners. I feel this is a solvable problem in most cases. In mine, it was dealing with the depression and self-hatred that were causing me to come off — accurately! There have been other studies that strongly suggest that the cause for the discordant results is that women are socialized to be disconnected from their own sexuality — that men are allowed to sexually in tune with their own wants and lusts while women are not.
Arousal is NOT a purely physical thing. It takes place in the mind, too, and the mind is the one that ultimately decides arousal or no arousal. Not confused, just not particularly interested. Seriously I read this whole article…typical bait and switch!
Lured in with the promise of advice on how solve the "no one wants to fuck me" problem only tho have to listen to a bunch of left-wing misandrist preaching followed by a bunch more misandrist preaching with a few basic facts that everybody knows to make it look like legitimate love advice. I read this article and I want my ten minutes back. I will be coming back to your web site for more soon. Just wanted to say I love reading through your blog and look forward.
Carry on the excellent work! Just wanted to write in and say that I absolutely love this article. Nerdlove: How Do I Ask Out The GameStop Girl? There are tons of other factors that influence how attractive people find you. Pingback: The Unbelievable Secret To Getting More Sex Thought Catalog The odd thing, though, is that the other side of the coin when it comes to accepting women as initiators of sex, is that men also can play the passive role… at least according to the narrative.
NerdLove is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. NerdLove is not really a doctor. The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd Search The Archives. Related Posts Ask Dr. NerdLove: Did I Throw Away Love For Sex? Want to help support the site?
Consider becoming a patron! Hold your cards, I think I hear a "bingo". Why would anybody thumbs up this comment? How enlightening, and yet women as old as grandmothers are being carded at bookstores to socially shame them for wanting this book.
You can also support the work of organizations like RAINN enigmatrixinc.infoand if you are near Boston, the BARCC enigmatrixinc.info. The social backlash really does need to end from both men and women. What does neuroplasticity have to do with anything here? Biological desire is evidently not beyond analysis.
I get why it makes you uncomfortable. Out of curiosity, what mods do you have installed? I would definitely have more sex if more guys were ok with me expressing my desire for people through fucking them. Right action, however, can lead to a better world.
We could all be pissed together in a more fair world. Yes, it is frustrating for all human beings not to get the sex they want. Than DNL should be honest at this point. I think the opening was more "a joke" than "deliberately misleading. Best Freudian slip ever? I knew there was a reason I liked this site! This is absolutely true. Sex and money are both dirty if you do them right.
Incidentally, the guys I know who get the most sex claim to treat women as glorified semen receptacles.New Tickling 2017 Hypnotic Tickling Without Touching and wake up - Russian tickle feet